I'm All In

Welcome 2014! You are going to be good!
When we received our referral for Matthew, we were elated. We were giggly about having a baby again, and we were just so thankful. And then my guard went up. I didn't obsess over the "what ifs," but I did lock them into my brain...What if he dies like Cruz did? What if he never comes home? What if...??? I tried to remind my heart that nothing is guaranteed in adoption. Putting these walls up, put up a barrier that wouldn't allow me to dive completely in. At times I have felt foolish about how extravagantly I loved Cruz, even though I never held him. I know that is complete rubbish, and real love cannot be given too extravagantly. But still, at times I have felt this. I didn't want to make that same "mistake" again. This wall was built out of fear, doubt, and heartache. It had always been so easy for me to FEEL hopeful, and now I was having to CHOOSE to be hopeful. I mean, HOPE had been our central theme throughout our adoption journey. Our verse is Hebrews 6:19 "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." In August, I even had it tattooed on my arm, so that I would never forget that my hope is found in Christ.

I mean, I take this very seriously. I wanted to be extravagant and bold and wake up each day, no matter the feeling or circumstance, and say, "I have hope. I have Jesus." Little did I know that this hope would be challenged just a month later. Never could I have imagined what this would actual end up meaning for us. We received our referral for Cruz on August 15, and then he passed away on September 12.

Can we please just talk about his cuteness? Oh, I just love this boy.
When we got home from laying him to rest, I truly thought that our adoption journey was over. When Kenny asked me to please be in prayer about it because he did not think our family was done growing, I could feel the hope rise a little. When we officially told our agency that we were not done and still wanted to adopt, it's like a burden was lifted off our home, and you could feel the hope all around. On October 22, we received our referral call for T. A tiny 3 1/2 month old baby. I loved him immediately, but it was a guarded love. 

Many of you have heard the threats of foreign adoption closing in Ethi*pia. When I heard this, I just couldn't even. I mean, there was no way we could lose another child, right? Leaving him in Ethi*pia without a family, would condemn him to a life as a cripple. He has club feet, which is easily correctable, but he must have the surgery. My guard was up. I was on high alert, and trying not to vomit. Well, from what we've heard, the program is not going to close immediately. There is nothing in place to care for the many orphans that need families. Let's end the orphan crisis first, and then close all foreign adoptions! 

Well, amidst all this uncertainty we were waiting to hear about our embassy interview. It was a little much. Embassy ended up going great, and our case has moved on to the next step, which is waiting for our PAIR letter and our court appt. YAY!! All of this to say, I'm pretty sure I had been holding my breath since we received our referral. All of a sudden it just all came pouring out. I was crying and telling Kenny, "I need him. I need him home. I need him in my arms. I love him with all of me. I am ready." It just felt so good to stop trying to hold back and just embrace the love that is bursting out of my heart for our little baby. We can never know what the future holds, but I'd rather love extravagantly any day. I'd like to be known for how extravagantly and "foolishly" I love. 

I'm all in Matthew. I love you so much. My arms ache to hold you. I imagine you with us everywhere we go. Whether it's taking the girls to the bathroom, playing at the park, or eating at the table. I think about where you would be, what you would be doing, how I would care for you, and how we are just so excited to have you home. Mommy and Daddy are coming soon.